July 30, 2018

Patches and self doubt

OK. I have ordered my first custom patches. I am super nervous, full of self doubt. Let's face it, nothing I ever did met much success. I am on the point of giving up all together. It's too hot, I am too lonely and just generally very unhappy with my current life with next to zero social interaction.
Warning, going into very personal stuff now...you don't have to read if that makes you uncomfortable.(writing it mostly for myself)

My family has never been very supportive of anything I chose to do. The pressure was terribly (still is) overwhelming at time. I got stuck in a life I didn't want just out of sheer guilt...how could I dare to want things for myself...selfish girl! How did I dare to go out with friends (let alone boyfriends)? How did I dare to go away alone (L.A. seemed like about far enough to get away, it was not)? How did I dare to have a life?
Unfortunately guilt always brought me back, cut me out from friends...guilt is still holding me and most of those people have been dead for over 10 years...And now I cannot get out of this way of thinking that I actually don't deserve anything. I don't deserve friends, I don't deserve a job I like, I don't deserve a boyfriend, I don't deserve anything that makes me happy really because I am selfish.
And even though I now know the problem is not and never was me, my lizard brain doesn't want to know anything and keeps me in my old non-working unhappy ways.

I should get the patches in a month or so. They'll be sold in my DinaFragola shop.


Natalya said...

I wish you success. Everything will turn out

Stephanie Kilgast said...

Maybe you should go to a therapy? Try to find a good therapist, and don't be afraid to leave if the first one sucks. Some can be bad, so if you don't feel comfortable, leave. But really, I'd avise you to go. It's often difficult to manage everything by yourself.
Best of luck, like all humans on Earth, you desserve to be happy! Sending hugs!
And if you want to Skype someday, even if it's to share how miserable you are, you can always call me. Just convo me first and I'll give you my Skype id.

StaroftheEast said...

Oh hugs! I kind of know what you feel, the whole guilt thing and the not socializing due to family obligations etc. I've working on it this year and been going away and doing things for myself and it feels great! You kind of have to pull it like a band-aid and just take a jump to something you want to do!
Did you ever check the website TrustedHousesitters? Might be interesting for you to travel a bit without the costs of hotel and outdoors meals, and you can find a sitter yourself for your cats.

HolzundLeinen said...

Oh it's hard to find words ... I hope you find a way out of this terrible situation.