July 30, 2018
Patches and self doubt
Warning, going into very personal stuff now...you don't have to read if that makes you uncomfortable.(writing it mostly for myself)
My family has never been very supportive of anything I chose to do. The pressure was terribly (still is) overwhelming at time. I got stuck in a life I didn't want just out of sheer guilt...how could I dare to want things for myself...selfish girl! How did I dare to go out with friends (let alone boyfriends)? How did I dare to go away alone (L.A. seemed like about far enough to get away, it was not)? How did I dare to have a life?
Unfortunately guilt always brought me back, cut me out from friends...guilt is still holding me and most of those people have been dead for over 10 years...And now I cannot get out of this way of thinking that I actually don't deserve anything. I don't deserve friends, I don't deserve a job I like, I don't deserve a boyfriend, I don't deserve anything that makes me happy really because I am selfish.
And even though I now know the problem is not and never was me, my lizard brain doesn't want to know anything and keeps me in my old non-working unhappy ways.
I should get the patches in a month or so. They'll be sold in my DinaFragola shop.